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Sunday, 27 July 2008

How I invented the CACHUNGA MASSAGE

For those of you who don't know and thought that I have not offered anything to the rest of humanity, you wrong! I am the inventor of the CACHUNGA MASSAGE!

What is the Cachunga massage? Below is an explanation:

Cachunga Massage- Traditional Persian Massage

Cachunga introduced to the Achaemenid Empire of ancient Persia by Darius the 8th. This is a massage that primarily focuses on the breasts of females. Cachunga is a deep tissue massage used with oil. It is based on a fondling motion, and is usually performed in the direction of the heart to promote circulation.

I was clearly bored at work and so decided to post the above description onto Wikipedia, fully expecting for it to be removed swiftly. However, due to my cunning use of language (and with the help of fellow Cachunga Massage master Mr Elliot Marsh) and the plausibility factor it was left on Wikipedia! This led to other websites picking up on it and soon it was all over the internet (there are currently over 10 separate results for it on Google). It was eventually removed from Wikipedia but not because it's a clearly fake massage technique and a wind up - no sir, it was removed due to a factual inaccuracy! Apparently there was no Darius the 8th in ancient Persia, I only chose the 8th as 8 is my favourite number. I quickly re-edited the Cachunga Massage to reflect that it was actually introduced by Darius the 3rd and there it remained. Though I did get into a feud with some geek called BRYANOUR, who insisted on removing it from Wikipedia, by then it was too late as I had already conquered the internet!

Conquered? Those are big word, but yes none other than the BBC's Top Gear website name checked the Cachunga Massage in one of their articles here is the link scroll to the bottom


And there was even a guy named Dave from Pasedena who was offering his expertise in Cachunga Massage online and who had apparently been practicing the art of Cachunga Massage for the past ten years in a celebrity health spa in London! Alas, I can no longer find the link to Dave, but remember there are only two grand masters in the art of Cachunga Massage - me, Elliot Marsh, and Benny Stow, who is in training.


Pete Park-Walker said...

I am a Welsh person seeking a Cachunga massage on my voluptuous man breasts. Please try and avoid the nippular areas as these are somewhat sore after a recent late night session in which a passing squirrel mistoke them for a tasty delicacy and attempted to remove them from their stalks.

I require a soothing, deep massage to stimulate the male daddary glands (the equivalent of mammary glands in the female breast organ, or the titus squelchus in Latin).

As you are aware, unlike in the female mammary glands where hideously salty milk is produced (have you tasted that shit?! I remember the taste, that's how I know. I confess I was tit-fed until I was about 24).

Anyway, the daddary glands produce a kind of salty lager with lashings of delicious froth and sweat and men tastes (I am assured that the medical term for 'men tastes' is testes). That's nutrition enough for any young Centurian!

Just give me my Cachunga now. If it's good I'll pay you in man lager and beans. Plus a 12-month contract to perform regularly at the King Gong show with a guaranteed minimum placing of last.


Heil the conquering, mammoth be-boobed, Pete Park-Walker!

EM said...

Dear Mr Park-Walker,

As one of only two Masters of Cachunga Massage (Benny Stow is in training), I have to reinforce that, according to its laws, the massage is "primarily focuses on the breasts of females". As you are a man, I encourage you to take up study in the Art of 'Ka Khn Ga', but by definition you cannot receive a massage. A male Cachunga Massage is oxymoronic; you have no Cachungas.

Thank you for your interest,